Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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