i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
