Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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