Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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