I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
