I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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