how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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