I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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