I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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