I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
