I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
