Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
