tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
