I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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