we have officially lost it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
