dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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