I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
