Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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