I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
