Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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