i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
