At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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