You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
