all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
