Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
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I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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