I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
