Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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