if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
