No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
