i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
