He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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