she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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