I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
