she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
