I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
