Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
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I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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