I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
