i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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