Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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