I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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