dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
