NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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