im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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