Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
