In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
