Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
