even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
