T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
