Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
