I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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