The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
