Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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