I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!