you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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