I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
