Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
