Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
