to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
