those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
